I Walked Away from Making Music. I’d Probably Do It Again.

If you find yourself in Central Illinois on a Sunday morning and walk into a tiny, red brick, small town church you might see me there. Most likely barefoot, definitely dancing and sometimes, holding a microphone. I have loved music for my entire life and leading worship is something brings my heart so much joy. Now, I know what you’re thinking.

“Laura, you can’t quit music if you still make music.” This is different.

I’ve wanted to write songs forever. I’ve wanted to make music that made a difference. I wanted to go to school and pursue music because that’s what people told me I was good at. I did that and I’m pretty sure there are still bad recordings on Myspace to prove it. The problem with this is that when you get into any type of music making scenario (including leading worship) sometimes, ego and talent get in the way. It becomes competitive even when we don’t intend for it to be that way.

I gave up making music in college because, I found that even God loving people considered themselves musicians first leaving everything else secondary. It is in this kind of environment that beauty and friendship withers. Competition is not someplace that joy can actually flourish at all.

I have  some of the most amazing  musician friends. One in particular, let’s call him Jon (because, well, that’s his name.) He is one of the most talented musicians I know. But, not so much so that it turns into a competition, ever. He seeks to bring out the best in those that he writes and performs with. He will tell you that “such and so played guitar on this song I just recorded and he’s amazing.” He always points it back to the others around him.

I’ve known very few musicians like him. Even though I work with some amazing ones and went to college with some great worship leaders. That’s why I gave up. I was exhausted with the inability to be Jesus in the creative process. I wanted to be a community builder, not someone that instilled distrust in someone’s own skillset and passions. Making people unsure of themselves isn’t my deal. So, for now, I’ll lead when I’m asked to, sing with friends at their shows,  and sing in the shower, and the car, and the grocery store but, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make music for me again.

That’s why I take the stance of cheerleader, supporter, “fangirl” and friend. I love to watch those that I love and care for do what they love to do. For now, this is enough. Perhaps, it will always be enough.

The Broke Girl’s Guide to Tithing

Upon choosing a title for this blog, I was immediately reminded of the book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. After reading this book, many of my friends told me that it had completely changed their lives. Honestly, part of me is hopeful that this blog will be that for someone else. But, I’m also very aware of the fact that this particular post is about something that even the strongest Christians have a hard time with. Tithing.

Now, before you freak out, friends, know that I too have a hard time with the concept, sometimes. In fact, that is exactly what prompted me to write this very post. My fight with tithing started in my last year of college.

I was taking twenty-four credit hours, working two on campus jobs, was an active part of two student cabinet groups and serving with two off campus ministries. A schedule like that taught me some great administrative and scheduling skills but also left me with a lack of sleep and a small bank account balance. I thought that certainly God understood that I was poor so, I couldn’t afford to spare.

After a conversation with one of my mentors, I wrote rules for myself in the realm of tithing. It was difficult to look them in the face, but, I’ve grown in them and have decided that they’ve actually made it easier for me to do what God’s asking me to do, even when that’s the hardest thing to do.

So, here it is, The Broke Girl’s Guide to Tithing.

We are asked for the first and best, not biggest. I don’t make much. I’ve never been a millionaire, nor will I ever be. But, God’s not asking for thousands of dollars. He’s asking for the best of what I can give Him. Even if to the world it’s pennies!

It’s about Trust. Yes, it’s a sacrifice. It’s scary to write my check and send it. It gives me much less wiggle room financially. BUT, God has done some amazing things in my threadbare seasons.

NEED and WANT are totally different things. I want you to hear me, here. While a Venti Double Mocha Extra Shot Latte (totally made up, totally sounds delicious) might be your caffeine delivery mode of choice, it is not a basic necessity. You’ll still eat, you’ll still sleep, you’ll even sometimes get a cup of coffee. God likes to take care of our wants, too.

No home? No problem. Many people think that they have to give their tithe to a church. If you are part of a healthy church community, this is awesome! If you aren’t ,that’s okay. Pick a charity, community, or cause that you want to support the ministry of. For instance, September is World Suicide Prevention Month, donate to spreading Hope and Joy! That’s building the Kingdom! Pretty cool, yeah?

Communication is Key. Pray for God’s movement. Pray for God’s will. Tell God about the frustrations, or pains that you might be feeling, Be honest. God given us prayer for times of talking and listening.

Let’s talk about Your Feelings

In accordance with typical Bible College graduates and ministry staff I have come to learn that I can be described in categories. I am an INFP, Type 2 Feeler, Golden Retriever, I have gifts for Hospitality, Encouragement, Administration, Adaptation and Creative Communication. I am flowery words doodley hearts. Above all else, I feel everything.

Scripture says that there will be no weeping in Heaven. If that’s true, I won’t know how to express myself. I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m tired, when I’m hungry…I’m basically a five foot toddler. I feel way too much. I’ve been called sensitive, thin skinned and labeled and“emotional female”. The reality is that I’m not any of those things. I’m tough, reasonable, rational and decent, I just think with my feelings. This is something that has been labelled Emotional Intelligence.

I am in a season of rejections. I’ve gotten multiple “let her down gently” letters written on embossed letterheads and I’ve had at least three telephone conversations that I’ve had to hang up on very quickly because, the tears come. I know exactly what I’m crying about. Every time.

Emotional Intelligence is something that the world takes for granted, sure. But, what if it’s something that the world misunderstands? In a class on Christian Character and Leadership my final year of college during a lecture on Leadership in the Book of Titus, I raised my hand and asked my tough-loving, no nonsense professor if he thought it was necessary to be harsh to be a leader. He said

“Laura, you are a strong leader. People get excited about you, about your ideas your mission for the Kingdom. It’s because you like them. You and my wife are all warm and fuzzy and impactful while I am more like Titus.”

See, Titus was a fixer. He was sent to beat people into doing things God’s way. I mean that quite literally. Titus wouldn’t have asked you how you felt about anything, but rather thrown a few tables or swear words or both, and walked away once he knew that you were working.

Later in the semester, Rob and I had a conversation that changed my life and my leadership. He told me that I was Emotionally Intelligent which, was different from being gooey and warm and fuzzy because, I used my intuition to see people’s strengths. He told me that if he were on a ministry team he’d never boss me around, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings but, he knew what I was capable of.

Emotionally Intelligent people may appear warm and fuzzy, and silly and care-takery. But, we are. Most of us want community to be safe and warm and a comfortable place to grow. That’s why asking us to do things like lead volunteer teams and start small groups from the ground is brilliant. We are entrepreneurial gurus in bringing people together. But, we feel everything that we think and think everything that we feel. We are an intense bunch. But, Jesus even uses us at our most sensitive to bring something bold about.