I hope I’m a terrible housewife.

I love Grace Potter. I turned the volume up and sang along rocking the same old streets in a new bright car, new grey dress, same old boots. New restaurant, new dinner company. In a paraphrase of The Cure “It’s Friday, I’m not in love.”

On first dates, I have a strict rule that I drive myself. There are a few wonderful reasons for this. On top of the fact that I’ve got a dizzying schedule, it provides me with much needed escape routes and a mobile method of travel tunes for recovery. Dull conversations mixed with Midwestern Mock Up Mexican make Laura a bored, exhausted girl who just wasted her push up bra. You know what I mean?

Don’t get me wrong. He was perfectly charming. Opened doors, gave compliments, let me bat my eyes….the whole bit. Rolled up button down sleeves gave way to hint of tattoos and I lost my mind between ink, straight teeth and pop culture filled banter. Ovaries go boom! We all know how charmed this particular lady is by nerdom don’t we?

He was perfectly kind and funny and then the check came and just as I thought he’d  reach for my hand he said “So, shall we go Dutch or do you want to take it?” Record scream. Stop. Rewind. What!? He must have seen my befuddlement as he explained. “Girl works hard. Drives herself. Kept sober. Glasses on.  Only laughed at my good jokes. I’ve read your blog, love. Feminist, right? I don’t want to step on your toes baby, but, Feminists make shit housewives.”

I didn’t play it cool. I didn’t pay the check. I didn’t walk out. I didn’t even throw my drink in style of every classy soap opera diva (though, my my I wanted to!) Instead, I started to ask questions. I sat down, ordered us another drink and focused. Tell me about how your heart broke, sir.

Being the Bible College graduate that he was I knew the rhetoric, as I had spent four years having it brewed into my coffee. I was always aware that there was something in the water. I had had plenty may of the men I knew had shut down my offers to pick up the tab, or open my own door out of the kindness of my heart because I was a woman and they were men and big strong men were the only ones allowed to do anything nice.

He smiled and gave me this glorious speech about how precious women are and how it’s only fair to treat them like precious little petals of perfection and cared for and that was all well and good but, here’s my problem…why do men use my ability to care for myself as reason to terrible dates!? I mean really. It’s not that I can’t pay for my own meal. I can and do gladly but, if you call me up and want to take me out the planning, preparations and payment are your deal. That’s how it works. If I had called you, we’d be having and entirely different conversation. I promise!

There’s so much more to supporting Feminism than “allowing” a woman to pay for food or coffee or drive a car she paid for with her own well worked hours, Christians. There’s so much more than forcing yourself between her and a doorway or walking on the street side of the sidewalk. It’s giving her moments of weary, it’s understanding how hard she works to fight glass ceilings. Give her the night off once in a while? Understand that gestures should come from warmth and kindness and not proving points.

I kissed his hand, thanked him for the dinner and walked out on the check. It was that simple. Know that you are worth so much more than being put on a pedestal. But, that doesn’t mean you’re not worth being treasured.

Steps Toward God in Anxiety.

I try to stay as low key as possible. I sleep in when I can, go without any screen time on my days on my days off, rock out and dance party on my lunch break and keep things smiley, calm and collected. I drink coffee and treat myself to delightful things. I take walks in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings and I pick rare nights to eat delicious food with warm friends and take time to laugh with tiny humans on the regular. I write, I sing, I make community available for those around me.

I, like many, am living life with an anxiety disorder. Surprise! Anxiety attacks riddle my life over everything from financials, to social situations, to lack of sleep and crazy work schedules. Everything, in the right combination of circumstances can ruin my entire day.</p>

I’ve had many conversations with people that love Jesus about my anxiety and issues. I’ve heard frequently that I “just need to trust” and that anxiety is against everything scriptural. (Insert Matthew 6 references here.) Most of these conversations leave me feeling more anxious than anything else. Am I wired to be distrust Jesus? Does God not love the way that I feel? Am I misguiding myself?

All of these things are the reasons that I give my anxieties to God every day. I’m not one for cheesy Christian radio, but, the other day I heard a song by Plumb on my way to work (Google told me that it’s called “Exhale”) and the lyrics talked about breathing God in until your heart can rest. How our brokenness points how much we need the Cross. How much we need Jesus. How often we need to understand that He died to give us grace and joy.

Coming to these realizations have made things easier for me. They’ve allowed me to let myself created self-soothing rituals that glorify Jesus well. Here are my top five.

1.Keep Quiet. God speaks when we listen. So, taking moments to breath in the quiet are really good for anxious hearts.

2.Go! I don’t know about y’all, but, a lot of my favourite souls live hours away. So, I’ve made it a practice to take chunks of time off when they’re in town or to go visit. Old, loving friends are like the Fat Day Jeans of life. They allow us space to be loved without being impressive. Cool, huh? (PS. Phone/ Skype calls help too.)

3.Move It! I put my headphones on and walk when life gets too much. Everywhere from my neighborhood to the parking lot at work. Forward motion reminds me that God is in charge of my every step.

4.Treat Yo Self! Seriously, buy the coffee just for the whipped cream. Read the sappy book in one afternoon. Buy that lipstick. Wear that dress. Do the things that make your smile an instinct. (Also, drink chamomile tea at 8pm and go to bed. Let yourself rest.)

5.Find living prayers. I pray a lot. A lot of it formal sounding, but sometimes it’s making mantras of sweet words that were given to me. “You’re good at relationships.” Or “I love you” can show us Jesus’ movement just as well as the Lord’s Prayer. (And I’m a sucker for liturgy, y’all.)

Above all else, treat pain like pain. Emotional and mental exhaustion requires recovery, too. You’re no good the world if you’re wiped out. Be loved. Receive it and give it well.

The Broke Girl’s Guide to Tithing

Upon choosing a title for this blog, I was immediately reminded of the book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. After reading this book, many of my friends told me that it had completely changed their lives. Honestly, part of me is hopeful that this blog will be that for someone else. But, I’m also very aware of the fact that this particular post is about something that even the strongest Christians have a hard time with. Tithing.

Now, before you freak out, friends, know that I too have a hard time with the concept, sometimes. In fact, that is exactly what prompted me to write this very post. My fight with tithing started in my last year of college.

I was taking twenty-four credit hours, working two on campus jobs, was an active part of two student cabinet groups and serving with two off campus ministries. A schedule like that taught me some great administrative and scheduling skills but also left me with a lack of sleep and a small bank account balance. I thought that certainly God understood that I was poor so, I couldn’t afford to spare.

After a conversation with one of my mentors, I wrote rules for myself in the realm of tithing. It was difficult to look them in the face, but, I’ve grown in them and have decided that they’ve actually made it easier for me to do what God’s asking me to do, even when that’s the hardest thing to do.

So, here it is, The Broke Girl’s Guide to Tithing.

We are asked for the first and best, not biggest. I don’t make much. I’ve never been a millionaire, nor will I ever be. But, God’s not asking for thousands of dollars. He’s asking for the best of what I can give Him. Even if to the world it’s pennies!

It’s about Trust. Yes, it’s a sacrifice. It’s scary to write my check and send it. It gives me much less wiggle room financially. BUT, God has done some amazing things in my threadbare seasons.

NEED and WANT are totally different things. I want you to hear me, here. While a Venti Double Mocha Extra Shot Latte (totally made up, totally sounds delicious) might be your caffeine delivery mode of choice, it is not a basic necessity. You’ll still eat, you’ll still sleep, you’ll even sometimes get a cup of coffee. God likes to take care of our wants, too.

No home? No problem. Many people think that they have to give their tithe to a church. If you are part of a healthy church community, this is awesome! If you aren’t ,that’s okay. Pick a charity, community, or cause that you want to support the ministry of. For instance, September is World Suicide Prevention Month, donate to spreading Hope and Joy! That’s building the Kingdom! Pretty cool, yeah?

Communication is Key. Pray for God’s movement. Pray for God’s will. Tell God about the frustrations, or pains that you might be feeling, Be honest. God given us prayer for times of talking and listening.

Lessons in Ladylikeness that I had to Relearn after Bible College

I have never felt less beautiful or date-worthy than I did in Bible College. Moreover, I never felt less able to be entirely myself. The moments that I let that happen I was marked “brash”, “crass”, or worst of them all “feminist”. So, of course, I learned to shut my mouth, never leave the dorm without lipgloss on, and never ever wear yoga pants or open a door for myself when a man was within one hundred feet. Not ever.

While some of this may be slight exaggerations, the reality is that I had to re-teach myself how to be the kind of Christian woman that God was creating me to be upon graduation. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned, how they came about and what happens now!

A lady minds her words. Now, as someone that writes with frequency, I am very sensitive to words, their use and the ways that verbalization can impact a life. But, sometimes, let’s be real, “Gosh Darn It” doesn’t quite express the reality of your situation. How have I learned to use this knowledge? I’m taking a page from one of my professors and only using swear words when ABSOLUTELY necessary. Meaning, that a lot of my swearing is done in prayer, because who can you be more honest with than God? Or, in the sacred space of community that knows my heart. These people are a select few and understand that I don’t use words like that lightly and it’s okay.

A lady fits into a box. A pretty package of tall and thin cloaked in tights, skinny jeans, flowy dresses, Hebrew tattoos and meakness elevated in high heeled boots shrowded in thick framed glasses. This is the uniform of perfection as if Eve herself would have shopped an H & M sale. Now, I’m not saying that I myself do not love a good haul, a date with my curling wand or even word studies to indelibly place on my life, but, come on! There are plenty of other ways to be beautiful. Stop being surprised by my choice to rock bright florals and Chucks. I promise, you could dress however you want and it’d be just fine. Embrace yourself as you are, stop trying so hard. How have used this knowledge? When I dropped 33.5 pounds after graduation, I threw away most of my clothes and instead wear what makes me FEEL like myself, what makes me feel pretty. It doesn’t matter what I’m supposed to look like.

A lady must not date more than one guy on campus. I dated three times in my four years at LCU. All of them were fellow students, all of them acted REALLY weird after the break up. I mean like, telling lies about me to the next girl they dated weird. All of them married the next girl they dated. One of them actually told me that I wasn’t “girlfriend” material, I was “wife” material which is why he didn’t want to date me, because, I was spiritually stronger than he was and much more independent than he thought he could handle. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Laura, you were an older student, if he was younger, of course he was intimidated!” The situation was this, we were the same age! It was interesting to watch him break up with me, belittle me and then sit in classes next to his soon-after fiancée who would tell just about anyone that he was the strongest , kindest man she knew. Strong, wise, kind men don’t call names, ladies. They don’t. So what about now? I am queen of “Cool Your Jets”, and “Let’s just see what happens”. It makes things easier and there’s no race to the altar in the real world, so we’re good.

A lady must be dependent. I hear this fall under the blanket of “chivalry” all of the time. But, the last time I checked, no one I know is a knight. Furthermore, when you look up codes on chivalry, it has more to do with jousting than it does respecting women. So, every once in a while, let me be good to you and buy your coffee, or open the door for you. You won’t lose your man card, dude. How do I deal with this now? Well, a few weeks ago, my sweet, dear friend Jon was in town. When he met me for coffee, I made sure to order my own prior to his arrival and I insisted on buying him breakfast. Every other time we spend time together, he treats me. He pays. He drives. He takes care of me. Sometimes, it’s fun just to tell him that I want to do nice things. As part of my sacred space people, he gets it.

A lady must be taught. I have to be extremely careful with this one because, it could make me sound like I don’t want to be lead. I do. Someday, some strong in Jesus man will come into my life and lead me. But, I can’t just sit there until it happens. I can’t. Growing in my own understanding of who I am and who God wants me to be prepares me for what He’s got in store for me. I should know what I believe and stand firm in those truths until someone that wants to lead me to grow in those things comes along. Until then I will NOT read books like “Captivating”, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” or any of those other “how to wait for your spouse” books. I will instead grow as an individual and let myself be enough.

The reality is that my time at LCU was the best time of my life. I learned more about myself and Jesus in that tiny town, on the microscopic campus than I ever thought possible. Along with all of that learning came some harsh lessons in the fact that the Kingdom and community of God is fallible. Is imperfect, has some stuff really wrong, but, it’s okay. Because, Jesus died for the broken, busted up people.

The Gospel of Telephone Hour

I get paid to talk to people. That’s really what my job is. Talk to people, place their orders for paints or brushes or pens or clay or canvas or whatever makes their world more colorful. I assist in the creative process in the most basic way. I talk to people about what they need to make beauty happen.

Conversation is one of the most basic human realities that we miss out on every single day in the land of text messages, social media and the like. I like words. Lots of them. All of them. I love knowing how people feel about me and letting them know how I feel about them. Syllables and sounds that mean things makes the world go round. Simple.

Sometimes, my job is a scary place. I answer the phone, get yelled at, apologize and get yelled at again. Other times, my job is supremely fun. I answer the phone and get someone a little wacky and full of vibrant ideas. Those people are my favourite. They keep me on my toes. They ask me questions because they care about the answer and most of the time, we laugh.

God created the world with words. He spoke life into being. How cool is that!? That means that words have immense power that we never embrace! So, pick up the phone! Ask your best friend, mother, brother, crush, friendstranger how they are. This is one of the biggest gifts that you can give them because it’s embracing a power that God gave you to show His glory! Cool, huh?

So say “No” to texting and “Yes” a chit chat. It will be good for you and them and The Kingdom!

What Matte Red Lipstick taught me about Jesus

I am told by the world what to do with my body quite often. Do this to minimize that, do that to make that shrink, exercise like this, eat like that, etc. I am told that I have “such a pretty face” all of the time. This is a fun way of saying “I can’t look at the rest of you.”
Being confident in plus-sized skin is a difficult thing. Everything from “flowy” fabrics and skinny jeans to matte lipsticks cling to imperfections and highlight them. There’s prep work that goes into being able to walk out the door. Usually in the form of Spanx, exfoliators, concealers and moisturizers, The person I build for the world to see is often a lie. But, at least she’s a hot one.

The same sort of preparations go into the people we build ourselves to be in Jesus. We do this, don’t do that, don’t drink that, don’t say that, don’t hang out with those people, don’t post those viewpoints on social media because we want to appear perfect. Here’s a little reality check for you. Our imperfections are the reason that we need Jesus.

Now, I know what a life change it is to become a Christian, but, what I don’t understand is the fact that we gloss over the bumpy parts of ourselves. The reasons that Grace mattered in the first place. I’ve been told on many occasions to cover up and “deal with” a few things in the name of presenting myself to the world as a “professional Christian”. Today we’re going to talk about them.

1. I have social anxiety. Now, you might think that it’s silly for an introvert with fear of social situations to be in ministry and have the heart for people that I do. Most days, I think it’s pretty silly, too. Here’s the thing…THAT is Jesus. He uses the way that I’m built to tell a story. I’ve been told that in order to do effective ministry you have to be out and among people 98% of the time. That’s exhausting. Even Jesus went to spend time alone. So, I think my need my self-space is just fine.

2. I advocate for singleness. I’ve actually been asked not to write about singleness and dating by an employer before. I don’t understand this because, I see posts from married people in ministry that promote Biblical marriage much more often than I see a single person in ministry with a healthy view of their singleness talk about what it means to be Jesus to someone on a first date, or how to live a healthy, single life.

3. I cry. A lot. There are a few things you need to know about those with social anxiety and depression. Studies show that people with social anxiety not only feel all of their own emotions, but those of the people around them. It’s science. That means, that while you are stressed, sad, tired and I feel a little blue, suddenly I’m feeling all of those things alongside you. It’s like our empathy is cranked up to 11 all of the time! So, next time, just hand me the tissues and don’t tell me what to do.

4. I should invest in the “right” people. This point has also been presented to me as “networking for ministry”. Hang out with the non-drinkers, non-smokers, non-swearers and talk about how you’re going to change the entire world. Here’s the problem, if you live life inside of a bubble, you’ll never ever grow your community or the Kingdom past anyone that’s not just like you. Seeking people outside of yourself makes the Kingdom a more vibrant place.

To wrap this up, I’m going to encourage you to wear the matte lipstick without the prep work. Every line and crevasses of your life will show, but it’s okay. It just shows people the parts of you that are healed by Jesus.

I’m not waiting for my husband.

Lady in Waiting. This term is used in medieval context in terms that refer to a woman who’s primary job is to play fetch for another woman in a position of power. A queen, princess, etc. These women that they serve are considered more beautiful, more delicate and more desirable than those that wait on them.
Taking this terminology back in the name of all things feminine and fair seems to be in order. Though, most Christian women’s books make this out to be a term that encourages you to sit and wait for your husband to come along, I’m going to say something that might make me sound completely un-Christian. Ready? Don’t wait for your spouse.

Now, before you start throwing things, demanding an exorcism or something equally ridiculous, hear me out. I don’t mean to give you a ticket to have sex with strangers, or to otherwise ruin your purity. What I mean is this. Live your life. Take that job, cut your hair, get a tattoo, make a long list of mistakes. Stop waiting for your future spouse to complete your life!

As a Bible College graduate, I’ve heard the term “Ring By Spring” more times than I could count. Because of the intense pressure in these types of situations to get into romantic relationships, I’ve seen tons and tons of ladies (and men, for that matter) jump in head first because they can’t stand to be alone. It’s almost as though they can’t stand to be left with themselves.

I used to be the queen of self-image issues. I used to positively hate spending time with myself, because society told me that it was a waste of time. My taste in music, the books I read, the way that I dressed, the size of my body all seemed to make hate myself more. So, I started to change. I tried new things. I travelled. I read books. I went to concerts. I started conversations. The more time I spent letting myself explore the more time I spent exploring the greatest parts of myself. That’s still the process that I’m in. I’m still learning to appreciate how cool I am. Now, I know by this point in this post you’re sure that I’ve read “Eat Pray Love” a few too many times and perhaps you’re right but, I do know a few things about myself that I didn’t before.

I know why it is that I love the music of The National, I know why I love the words of e.e. cummings. I know why the caged bird sings!…Okay, take a breath. It’s supposed to be funny. The best part is that I know all of the parts of myself that God delights in. God delights in me like I delight in poetry, and chocolate and good cup of coffee. In God’s world I am a Jack Kerouac novel and cup of Highlander Grogg.

We are the image of Jesus. I know you know that. It is the topic of women’s conferences everywhere, it’s the subject of many “Iron Sharpens Iron” style books for the male crowd, but understanding that fact is truly and unequivocally one of the hardest things to do. I am slowly learning those things about myself. I don’t need to wait for my husband to become those things. I’m just praying that he’ll be able to keep up, or better yet, take the lead!